Crap! A 12 Year Old Has A Better Love Life Than Us!
by LauraHeartfilia
Summary: When Wendy Marvell seeks love advice from her two older teammates, Erza and Lucy come to a shocking revelation: they don't know how to date! The pair try to find out as much as they can about romance from various different sources, often with disastrous results! Not focused on pairings, mostly just friendship! Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Wendy slowly made her way through the small Magnolia streets, her nerves causing her to stare at the floor. Her mind was working at a mile a minute - she couldn't believe it! Her, Wendy Marvel, being asked out on a date! And by Romeo Cobalt, of all people, who'd scarcely even spoken to her before! It was all so surreal! Still, despite her immediate surprise, she had readily accepted his offer - he was a handsome boy, after all. But now, she was overcome with uncertainty. What should she wear? How should she act? What would they talk about? She had no idea. However, she was making her way to the two people who she just _knew _would know. They were her only hope.

She raised her small fist and gently knocked on Lucy Heartfilia's door.

"Oh? Hello Wendy. This is a surprise..." the door swung open to reveal a beautiful red-haired mage, the one and only Erza Scarlet. Balancing her plate of strawberry cheese cake in one hand, she moved aside to let Wendy into the apartment of the Celestial Wizard. "You should know by now that you don't need to knock on Lucy's door; just come inside. That's what me, Natsu, Gray and Happy do, anyway, and since you're on our team now it would be advisable for you to follow suit."

As Wendy entered Lucy's apartment she let out an audible gasp; the place was in a state of pandemonium. Empty packets of food were left scattered everywhere, and clothes had been strung randomly all about the room. To put it simply, it looked as if it had been hit by a natural disaster - which, I suppose you could say, it had.

That is, if you class Natsu Dragneel and Gray Fullbuster as natural disasters.

"You can't just bust into a chick's house without permission, ya' pervy Popsicle!"

"Oh yeah? Then how come you do it all the time, ya' fire-breathing creep!"

"She's used to me doin' it. Besides, I'm not the one getting my-"

Erza then proceeded to slap her hands over Wendy's ears for a moment.

"-out in front of everybody!"

"Natsu!" Erza barked. "I will not tolerate that sort of language directed towards your nakama, especially in the presence of young Wendy here! We don't want to be setting a bad example to the next generation of Fairy Tail, do we Natsu, Gray?!"

"NO WE DO NOT MA'AM WE MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT!"

"Good. Now, I want the pair of you to apologize firstly to each other, for disrespecting a comrade, then to Lucy, for messing up her apartment, and then, finally, to me and Wendy for the utter filth that has been coming out of your mouths all night which we have been subjected to hearing!"

They turned to each other with fake smiles plastered onto their faces. "I'M SORRY, BUDDY! I'M SORRY LUCY! I'M SORRY WENDY AND ERZA!"

Erza smiled wryly. "Good. NOW GET OUT!"

And so, she kicked them out.

"W-Wendy...?" Came a small voice from the far corner of the room. "I-Is that... You?"

Wendy edged slightly closer to the source of the voice, until the figure shrouded in darkness was clearly visible. Lucy Heartfilia was crouched down, hugging her knees to chest and slowly rocking back and forth, whilst giving off a gloomy, purple aura.

"Um... Yes, it's me Lucy. I just knocked then."

"You... knocked? You actually knocked?"

"Y-Yes?"

"WENDY I LOVE YOU!"

Lucy launched herself at the blunette and squashed her into a suffocating hug, with huge, sloppy tears rushing down her face. "I love you, Wendy, I really do. It's just been so long since someone last knocked on my door *sniff* you have to idea how much this means to me! You're my favourite now Wendy, you're my favourite, I've decided, you're my favourite now... You're the only one who respects me... The others... *sniff* the others just barge in here, as if my house is nothing but a cheap hotel... They eat my food... Steal all my clothes... mess up my bathroom... And sometimes *sniff* sometimes they even sleep in my bed!"

The sobbing intensified.

Wendy desperately flashed a pleading glance at Erza whilst trying to mouth the words "HELP ME." as discreetly as possible. Erza, however, was no help in the slightest - she merely shrugged, and then immediately went back to eating her strawberry cake.

* * *

"So, what was it you wanted to talk to us about?" Lucy asked Wendy gently. It had taken a while for her to calm down, but as soon as Erza had made her a cup of steaming hot tea, she perked right up - it was almost as if she was British.

"Well..." Wendy mumbled timidly to the two older wizards, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. She could feel her face growing hotter and hotter by the second. "Romeo... Asked me out on a date..."

"ROMEO ASKED YOU OUT ON A DATE?!"

"Y-Yes! And I was hoping the two of you could give me some advice?"

The pair looked at each other in desperation.

"It's just..." Wendy continued. "The both of you are so pretty and cool, you guys must've been on hundreds of dates before, right?"

They simply stared,dumbstruck.

"I just remembered!" Erza barked quickly. "Me and Lucy have something really important to do! We'll be with you in a minute!"

She shot up out of her seat and dashed off into the nearest room Lucy in tow - which just so happened to be the bathroom. Erza shut the door tightly behind her her and Lucy plonked herself down on the toilet despairingly, before putting her head into her hands.

"I can't believe it! Romeo and Wendy...! It's as if the world's gone crazy!"

"Me neither," Erza commented, breathless. "I have to admit, I am somewhat concerned... Isn't Romeo a little old for Wendy?"

"Well..." Lucy began in her best I-am-thinking voice "Romeo's 13, right? And Wendy is 12? So I guess it's not that bad, really..."

Erza nodded. "I suppose you're right. It's just... A part of me feels uncomfortable about letting her do this, and I have no idea why. I'm scared of her getting hurt, I have to admit."

"Y'know, I feel exactly the same way." Lucy agreed. "But I think... Maybe we're just being overprotective of her because she's the youngest of our nakama. I mean, Wendy is so strong and confident for age, especially considering all the crazy and horrible things she's been through... Sometimes we forget just how much she's grown."

"I guess so. I still occasionally think of her as that shy little child from Cait Shelter who claimed that she couldn't fight. Times certainly change, don't they?"

"Oh yeah, they certainly do!" Lucy did her signature cheesy grin. "But she's like a completely different girl now. I think it's time for us to let go and stop sheltering her.

"That's true!" Erza laughed gently, before her eyes suddenly widened in alarm. "But we have a more serious problem and hand right now!"

"Uh... We do?"

"Yes, we do." Erza said, and then began pacing furiously back and forth. "Yes, well... Wendy asked for dating advice, didn't she? And... You see... May I confess something to you?"

"Erza, of course you can." Lucy answered, her voice deadly serious - for some reason, she was expecting the worst. "We're nakama, after all. You can tell me anything."

"Promise not to tell anyone? Swear it on your honour?" Erza's face had now flushed bright red as her eyes drifted towards the tiled floor.

"I promise."

She sighed. "You're going to have to handle this one because... I've never been on a date before."

"YOU TOO?!"

"Wh-What?"

Lucy shot up off the toilet seat and grabbed Erza by the shoulders - one of those little gestures of friendship which only Lucy was allowed to do. If anyone else had tried that so suddenly without warning, they would be six feet under by now. But not Lucy.

"Erza, I've never been on a date either! This is great! ...Well, it's actually not great, it's actually kinda sucky, but hey! At least we're not alone in our loneliness, right?"

"This is a relief," Erza sighed "But what on earth are we going to tell Wendy? Our reputations will be left in tatters!"

"Crap! You're right! I'M 17 YEARS OLD AND A 12 YEAR OLD HAS A BETTER LOVE LIFE THAN ME!"

"YOU THINK THAT'S BAD?! I'M 19 YEARS OLD AND A TWELVE YEAR OLD HAS A BETTER LOVE LIFE THAN ME!"

"WAIT! TECHNICALLY I'M 24 YEARS OLD AND A 12 YEAR OLD HAS A BETTER LOVE LIFE THAN ME!"

"BUT THAT MEANS... I'M 26 YEARS OLD AND A 12 YEAR OLD HAS A BETTER LOVE LIFE THAN ME!"

The pair slid to the floor in despair as they screamed:

"WHAT DO WE DO?!"


	2. Trust

**Note: Hey guys! Thanks for all the support. I've always really wanted to do a Erza and Lucy friendship fic, they're my BROTP. There's a bit of Hurt/Comfort in this chapter, so I apologize if there isn't enough humour. I just write whatever happens in the story; sometimes I have no control over it. Crap, that sounds really pretentious. I'm sorry. Forget I said anything.**

"I wonder what they're doing in there..." Wendy whispered to nobody in particular. "They seem to be making an awful lot of noise..."

***MEANWHILE IN THE BATHROOM***

"WHAT DO WE DO?!" the pair slid to their floor on their knees in despair. For a few moments, they stayed in that position, marveling at the horror of their situation and wallowing in their own pity. It felt as if all of their achievements had been cancelled out by this one realization. So what if they were the two Miss Fairy Tail's? So what if they were on The Strongest Team in Fairy Tail?

THEY HAD NEVER BEEN ON A DATE.

"Okay!" Erza shot up from her mourning spot and held her fist up high in the air. "We need to form a plan!"

"A... A plan?" Lucy stuttered. Needless to say, she was still feeling somewhat defeated from the whole 'I'M 24 YEARS OLD AND A 12 YEAR OLD HAS A BETTER LOVE LIFE THAN ME' thing.

"Yes, we must." Erza stated. She stared up at the sky with a look of sheer determination in her eyes. "When the world hits us with these sort of seemingly unsolvable problems, we have no choice but to stand and fight! We will not stay down! We will not be defeated! We are Fairy Tail wizards, and one day, we will have dates! You just watch us, you cursed world!"

"Yeah!" Lucy yelled, all of a sudden her energy reimbursed. "Watch out boys! Prepare to be dated! So, what's the plan, Erza?"

"...Uh!" Erza faltered. "I do not know. But we have to do _something_. I need to learn how to date, to flirt - I need to learn it for Jell-" She froze.

"-Al?" Lucy finished off for her questioningly. "Honestly Erza, I know how you feel about him. You don't have to hide it; it's pretty obvious if you ask me."

"I-It is?"

She giggled. "Yep. Y'know, you're pretty cute when you're embarrassed."

"I AM NOT EMBARRASSED!"

"YES MA'AM!"

"In any case, Wendy clearly has something we don't, or knows something of which we are unaware of, and we must find out what that something is at all costs! Which is why, I suggest, we tail them!"

"Tail them? But isn't that kinda... Y'know... Wrong?"

Erza looked her straight in the eye. "You are Twenty. Four. Years. Old."

"...I'll bring my notebook."

* * *

After the plan had been formed, our two lonely-but-not-alone heroines exit the bathroom as if nothing had happened to find Wendy Marvell fidgeting furiously on the sofa.

"So... Do I need to stuff my bra so I can look like you guys?"

"WHAT?!" Erza and Lucy shot anxious glances at each other; is this what they had created?!

_"Lucy!"_ Erza whispered. _"After all this is over, we need serious talks with her!"_

_"Agreed!"_

Once they had assured their youngest friend that she in fact _did not _need to stuff her bra, they began to help Wendy prepare for her big date in the most normal way possible: they assisted her in picking a cute outfit; put a small yet effective amount of natural make-up on her; and Lucy even summoned Cancer in order for him to wash, curl and pin up her hair. By the time they had finished, she was the picture of beauty. Just as Wendy was about to leave, she turned to the two older mages, her cheeks slightly tinted with red.

"...Thankyou. Thankyou for doing all this for me... It really means a lot."

"There's no need to thank us," Erza smiled kindly. "We're nakama. We help each other, in work and outside of it. It's what we do in this guild."

"Yep!" Lucy added cheerfully as she bent down to give Wendy a good luck hug. "And don't be nervous, okay? I've known Romeo he was a child, and he's a little gentleman. He'll treat you right."

"...And if he doesn't," Erza continued, her face darkening as a black aura surrounded her. "Then be sure to tell us, and he soon will."

"Yeah..." Wendy looked down at the ground. "Still... I just don't know how I should act. And I don't know if I'll be good enough for him."

"Uh... Just be yourself?" Lucy pondered, as if she herself wasn't sure if this advice was worth following. "...Yeah! Just be yourself! That should work, right?!"

"...Thanks, Lucy." Wendy said as she left.

"JUST BE YOURSELF?!" Erza spun round to face Lucy accusingly "JUST BE _YOURSELF?!_ I mean not to disrespect you Lucy, but _when has that ever worked when it comes to men?!"_

Lucy's hands shot up in a state of surrender. "I know, I know! It's terrible advice, I realize that, but it just came out! Besides, it seemed to satisfy her, so it couldn't have sounded _that _bad."

Erza sighed. "...I suppose. Now, all we must do is wait."

* * *

"I have to confess, I was rather shocked when I heard that you'd never dated before, if you don't mind me saying."

"Really? How come, Erza?"

Her friend shrugged. "I don't know. You just always seem to confident in yourself, and you easily open yourself up to others, meaning you form new relationships and friendships with others effortlessly. I really can't see why men wouldn't want to date you."

"Well..." Lucy looked down at the two girls were headed up the street towards the place in which Romeo and Wendy had arranged to meet: The Soula Tree in South Gate Park. Night had already fallen, despite the fact that it had only just turned 7:00PM, and snow was falling gently from the velvet sky, giving the whole town a sort of whimsical, romantic vibe. Despite the cold, it had a sort of warm vibe, too. "Actually I'm... Nowhere near as confident as you think... After Mama died, I-" Lucy cut off abruptly and shook her head. "No. You don't wanna hear about that."

"Yes, I do." Erza's voice was soft and filled with kindness as she met Lucy's gaze. If she was honest, she had to admit she was somewhat concerned about her team mate. This was nothing new, of course, since each one of her nakama had demons and monsters from their pasts that still haunted them to this day, most of which they were reluctant to talk about. Often, she'd wake up in the middle of the night worried about them: did Gray still blame himself for Ur's death? Had Wendy found her home at the guild, or was she still hurting from losing those in Cait Shelter? Does Natsu feel as if Igneel abandoned him? Every worry felt just like a ten ton weight she had to carry around constantly on her back, and if she could help her comrade just a little, even if it was just by listening, it would take one of those huge weights off her. "I really do, Lucy."

"You... You do?"

Erza nodded.

"O-Okay. Well, as I was saying, after Mama d-died, I kind of stopped speaking. To anyone, really. Father didn't help. His constant verbal abuse had gotten to a point where I felt completely worthless. When that happened, I pretty much had no self-confidence whatsoever. It was only really after I ran away from home that I started opening up to people again. The guild certainly helped a lot... You, Gray, Happy..." She giggled. "And Natsu, of course. If it hadn't have found me, god only knows what where I would've ended up."

"It's good to know that that story had a happy ending..." Erza mused. "It's strange though, isn't it? How little you really know someone until you actually take the time to listen to them speak truthfully. It seems we maybe more alike that I originally thought."

"Heh... Maybe." Lucy agreed. It was hard to explain, but she couldn't help but feel more and more liberated with each word she spoke. In a way, secrets are like treasure: when you keep one to yourself, you have to constantly keep watch over it and guard it, for fear of someone finding out. You never get a rest from your constant duty; it begins to slowly wear you down until you feel like collapsing. When you share the treasure, however, the responsibility is no longer just your own. If your duty of guarding the treasure tires you out, you can simply take a break and rest without a single worry, because you _know_ that someone will always be there to take care of it for you, and ease the pain of bearing it all alone. Even if they accomplished nothing else tonight, Lucy was glad she came with Erza.

"So..." Lucy turned to Erza. "What about you? I mean, you're the freaking Titania! You're beautiful and strong! I can't believe you've never been with a guy before!"

"Hmm..." Erza pondered. "I could never date any of the boys at the guild. They're more like brothers to me, than anything else. As for other men..." Erza shrugged. "It takes me a while to feel comfortable around people. And of course there's..." She trailed off as her voice cracked slightly towards the end of the sentence.

"Jellal?"

"...And Simon." Now it was Erza's turn to stare at the ground. "Whenever I feel any sort of attraction for anyone, especially Jellal, I can't help but imagine how he'd react if he saw me. How he'd despise me. Detest me. Cringe at the fact that the woman who led him to his death was happily loving the very man who'd killed him... Ugh..." she buried her face in her now shaking hands.

"Erza..." Lucy paused. Her hand closed right over her heart, a habit she developed whenever she felt helpless. Erza was such a tormented soul, but she was a tormented soul who got back up fighting no matter what, a tormented soul who spat in the face of her oppressors and battled her way back to happiness. Most of all, she was a tormented soul who never cried, never had any weaknesses.

But now, Lucy wondered if Erza was just a tormented soul who never _let anyone _see her weaknesses. The mere image of her crying, all alone, was enough to wound Lucy's metaphorical heart. She had to so something. Erza deserved better than this, she deserved be happy, and free. Speaking slowly, carefully, gingerly, Lucy began to speak:

"Erza, listen. I'm not going to try and understand what happened in The Tower Of Heaven, and how it effected you; I'm sure I can't even begin to imagine the pain it caused you. But I am going to say this: Simon loved you. From what you've told me, I get the impression that Simon's love was so pure that his top priority was your happiness, nothing else. He wouldn't despise you; he would be relieved that you were moving on with your life and forming new bonds, rather than grieving over the loss of old ones. If he saw how happy you are with Jellal, I'm sure he would support you. I don't know much about him, but I get the feeling that was the sort of man Simon was. Besides, Jellal was Simon's best friend as a child, wasn't he? I'm sure that Simon would happily entrust him with your happiness."

Erza continued to stare at the ground, saying nothing. Her face was emotionless, her expression empty. Lucy wondered if she's gone too far; she probably had._ Idiot, _she berated herself. _I should've known better. Erza is haunted by that place enough without me bringing it up and pretending I know how she feels. You should've just kept your mouth shut._

"I'm sorry." Lucy said quickly, ashamed of herself. "I'm sorry. That was thoughtless of me. I have no idea what Simon would've wanted. I didn't know him. I... I understand if you don't want to talk to me. I'll just go home."

"No." Erza grabbed Lucy's arm and stopped her just as she was about to turn around. "Stay."

"Huh?"

"I'm not mad." Erza smiled. "In fact, I'm grateful. You're right."

"I'm right?"

She nodded. "Simon always wanted me to be happy. Even when we were slaves in the tower, he knew about my feelings for Jellal. He... He never once complained, or gave even the slightest sign of jealousy. I knew that all along, but just didn't want to acknowledge it. I keep things inside to much; I really should talk about my feelings more. Thankyou, Lucy."

"Hey, don't mention it."

"Now." Erza stopped suddenly before pushing Lucy into an alley and then following. "It seems we are here. Can you see them?"

Lucy stuck her head out of their hiding place. "Y-Yeah, I think so."

"Heh..." Erza smirked. "And here, our lesson begins. You ready to learn about dating?"

"You bet."

**Note: Chapter is done. Sorry if it was kinda pointless or not funny enough. Or pretentious. I'm a pretentious fool sometimes. But still, I put my heart and soul into this chapter and enjoyed every second of it. Thanks to anyone who followed, favourtited or reviewed. Means a lot, folks! Next chapter, prepare for stalking, and two surprise visitors, resulting in chaos! **


	3. Sexually Frustrated Sleuths

**Note: New chapter. Might be short. Sorry. All of Lucy and Erza's side comments will be in brackets.**

Romeo ran to meet Wendy as soon as she came into viewing distance. As he drew nearer to her, he slowed down to a stop and began unraveling his scarf. Before she could even protest, he had gently wrapped it around her neck and tucked it into her jacket.

"Hey Wendy!" he said when he greeted her. "Y'know, for a second I thought you weren't gonna come! Man, that would've been embarrassing. Anyway, take my scarf - I wouldn't want you to get cold!"

("Awh, the poor kid..." Lucy murmured sympathetically. "I was so focused on Wendy that I completely forgot about how Romeo must be feeling. This is his first date, too."

"Shhhh!" Erza spat. "They're still speaking!"

"Yes ma'am!")

"So, uh, what do you wanna do?" Romeo babbled. "I know this really awesome wizards arcade where we could go! Unless, of course, you don't wanna, then we could, uh... Just go somewhere else! Anywhere you wanna go! It's completely up to you, and - "

"Romeo." Wendy interrupted, rather bluntly.

"Yeah? What is it? Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry! I'll make it up to -"

"Romeo!" Wendy barked, stunning him into silence. "Just listen to me for a minute, okay? I like you. I'm here tonight because I WANT to be; there's no need to be nervous."

("Woah! She's really turned into a strong independent woman, right Erza? We taught her well!"

"You mean, _I _taught her well?"

"What the heck is that supposed to mean?!"

Erza giggled and gently patted Lucy on the head. "Just teasing.")

After a pause, the boy nodded and gave Wendy a cheeky lopsided grin. "...Thanks. I'm glad to hear it. I like you too - a lot! I really do! B-But, just so you know, I wasn't nervous at all! I feel fine!" He pounded his fist into his palm to emphasize the point.

"You can drop the tough guy act, Romeo, I can see right through it." Wendy giggled a little.

("Aha! Wendy has been growing increasingly more competent at seeing through the enemies disguise! I am most certainly impressed!"

"...And, once again, she completely misses the point.")

First, the two wizards made their way towards the wizarding arcade which Romeo had previously been oh-so-excited about. When they reached their destination, Wendy couldn't help but gasp; the place was huge! The outside of the building was lit up a thousand different colours, each one sparkling in the moonlight. Thick, gray smoke drifted through the open doors, and the stench of booze was prominent to even the weakest of noses.

("Hey, Erza? Are you sure we should be letting Wendy go into a place like this?"

"It's no different from the guild hall. She's used to it.")

At the arcade, Wendy and Romeo gradually became more at ease with one another: there was no more of Romeo's incessant babbling, no more of Wendy's constant blushing; now, they were just two friends on a date. They went into the shooting games area (in which the player had to fire shots of their magic at a zombie army); they each had a go on the MPF meter (embarrassingly, Wendy beat Romeo by 100 points); and Romeo even tried to win Wendy a stuffed dragon in the grabber-machine.

"Romeo! You're doing it wrong!" Wendy laughed hysterically, clutching her stomach.

"No!" Romeo argued as he flashed her a grin and a thumbs-up. "I got this! You just watch me!"

Romeo then proceeded to drop the crane approximately 10cm away from the toy he was aiming for.

"...You sure you got this?" Wendy teased gently.

"Uh... Of course I do!"

"Romeoooo..." She raised her eyebrows.

"Alright, fine!" he exclaimed, holding his hands up in surrender. "You're right - I have no idea what I'm doing! I admit it! But I will win something for you, okay? I promise!"

("Lucy! It seems that dating etiquette requires that the male must prove his worth to the female by acquiring some sort of rare item! Be sure to write that down!"

"Yes Ma'am!")

Eventually, Romeo _did _manage to prove his worth. With a roar of excitement, he brandished the fluffy dragon in the air before suddenly getting down on one knee.

"Thou fairest sky maiden!" Romeo put on a deep, serious voice as he continued. "I now bequeath my finest treasure upon thee!"

"Oh, Romeo..." Wendy sighed dramatically.

("Lucy! It seems dating etiquette requires that the couple speak as though they are in a Shakespearean play! Be sure to write that down!"

"Yes Ma'am!")

The pair hugged. Once they had departed from the embrace, Romeo gingerly put his arm around her. "Wanna get a bite to eat?"

"Sure! I hope you know some good places!"

"Wendy, I hang around with Natsu - of course I know good places to eat!"

("Lucy! It seems that dating etiquette requires that, once the said item has been won, we must dine in celebration! Be sure to write that down!"

"Yes Ma'am!")

The couple - for they certainly looked like one, that was for sure - quickly left the arcade and strolled down the moonlit Magnolia streets, snow crunching under their feet. Lucy and Erza were right behind them, keeping hidden from within the shadows. When Romeo and Wendy entered a picturesque cafe, our two sexually frustrated sleuths snuck round to the side of the cafe and began peeping through the window. However, much to their disappointment, not a single sound could be heard from the outside.

"Dammit!" Erza pounded her fist on the brick wall without so much as a grimace, before sinking to the ground. "We came so close to unraveling the secrets of the date! Still, we mustn't give up! We must use this information to our advantage!"

"Huh? What're you two talking about? ...And why the hell are you guys crouched down on the floor like that?"

They froze. They knew that voice. They knew that voice well.

Gray Fullbuster was walking towards them, closely followed by Natsu Dragneel.

"G-Gray! Natsu!" Lucy stammered, racking her brains for some kind of excuse or story to explain just _why _her and her best friend were sat on the floor of a filthy alleyway, looking through the window of some random cafe. "W-what're you doing here?"

Gray held up a black-and-white flyer with the word 'HELP' printed in big, bold letters at the top. "After you kicked us out of your apartment, me and Natsu got bored so we picked out a job. We were wondering if you two ladies were interested."

"...Excuse us for a moment." She shot up off floor to the nearest exit with Lucy in tow - which just so happened to be in the sewer.

"Lucy! We're having a change of plan!"

"We are?"

"Yes! We will now use Natsu and Gray as our test subjects!"

"You mean... Me? Go on a date with Natsu?"

"Well, I was going to suggest you go with Gray, but if you insist..." Erza jumped back up to the surface.

"WAIT! ERZAAAAAAAA!"


	4. Nobody Knows Their Own Strenght

**Note: Gaaaah this one took a while. Busy busy and all that. Hope ya'll enjoy. Also, my reviewers are awesome. Thanks to you, I now have more confidence in my writing again. I love ya'll.**

"WAIT! ERZAAAAA!"

But she was already gone. Lucy sighed; it looked as if she had no choice. Somehow, Erza had a sort of habit of roping Lucy into many of her nonsensical schemes. At times, Lucy wondered whether or not Erza was completely sane... But, then again, if she was sane? Then she just wouldn't be Erza, would she? With much effort, Lucy managed to haul herself out of the sewer, only to be greeted with, once again, utter pandemonium - well, it was Natsu, Gray and Erza, after all.

"Erza!" Gray growled "What do you think you're doing? Let go of me!"

"No!" she snapped back. "As I have already pointed out to you, dating etiquette requires that you link me until we reach our destination! What part of that do you not understand?!"

"But Erza! You're gripping way too damn hard! I THINK MY ARMS BROKEN!"

Sure enough, Gray's arm was was twisted and bent at angles previously thought unreachable for the human skeleton. His face was contorted in pain, and that pain only increased by Erza's tight grip on him. His arm was broken, alright.

"Honestly Gray, are you some sort of weakling? I'm barely touching you!"

"Erza!" Lucy shot up out of the sewer and rushed over to them. "His arm really is broken! Look at it!"

"W-What?" she stepped backwards and observed her handiwork(?). She froze, then looked down at the floor in shame. "...Oh. It seems I don't know my own strength."

"YA THINK?!" Gray screamed, clutching his arm.

"Hahaha! You loser, letting Erza give you a broken arm like that, hahahah-!"

"KEEP LAUGHING AND YOU'LL HAVE ONE TOO!"

Natsu instantly fell silent.

"Now, go get Wendy from the cafe - IMMEDIATELY!"

* * *

"Ugh... I feel so terrible for interrupting Wendy and Romeo's date..." Lucy groaned as she trudged down the street.

"Wait, they were on a date?" asked Natsu, raising an eyebrow.

Lucy gave him a rather quizical look; how could he not notice? "They were holding hands, Natsu. What did you think they were doing?"

"I dunno, exchanging magic or something?"

She sighed despairingly, but she couldn't stop the small smile that was spreading upon her face. He was so innocent, it was like being with a child sometimes. But, at the same time, that was probably what she liked the most about him; Natsu was simple. If he didn't like something, he'd tell you. If you asked him something, he'd give you a straight answer. If you needed him, he'd be there to help you out, in a heartbeat. He was a great friend that way.

All of a sudden, he stopped, just as they'd reached the doors to the arcade. His muscles tensed. His nose twitched. His eyes narrowed.

"Natsu..." Lucy said his name quietly, worried and confused at his seemingly random change of behavior. She looked at him, her mouth turned down in a slight frown, the concern showing on her her face. "Natsu, what's wrong?"

"This place... It's..."

"...It's what?"

"IT'S SO FREAKING AWESOME!"

He began to sprint inside, dragging a sighing Lucy behind him, as if he was a toddler and she was his reluctant and overworked mother. His eyes were flickering with exitement, and his mouth was open in a mix of awe and happiness. Once again, he reminded Lucy of a child - only this time, on Christmas morning. He ran around wildly, jumping from one amusement to the next, spending his hard-earned money before Lucy could even open her mouth to say "...Don't you need that for, y'know, food and stuff?". Although, despite the distinct un-romanticness of the 'date', she had to admit, she was having a fun time.

That is, until they ran straight into Gray and Erza.

"Watch where you're going, Flame Brain!"

"You're the one who just walked straight into me, Ice Princess!"

"You wanna go?!"

"You bet!"

"CEASE YOUR FIGHTING THIS INSTANT!" Erza snapped, punching the pair of them in the jaw, sending them flying off in opposite directions. A resounding BOOM! could be heard from both sides of the room at the exact same second, followed by roars of pain and screams from onlookers. Eventually, Natsu and Gray made their way back to their 'dates', whilst grumbling and nursing their (in Gray's case, 'new') wounds.

"Alright, alright..." Natsu groaned.

"We won't fight anymore..." Gray finished off.

"Excellent." Erza commented with an evil smile. "Now, shall we head to the grab-machines? There is a certain ritual you boys must complete."

"WHAAA-?" the boys trembled in unison.

"Come with us." she smirked.

* * *

The grab-maching stood tall before them, a glass, transparent giant. The crane was looking unusually sharp and threatening, and the stuffed dragons seemed to be staring at both Natsu and Gray simultainiously. They gulped. From the sounds of it, they had only a few shots to get this right, and if they failed, then... *shudder* They didn't even _want _to think about the consequences, but judging from the look on Erza's face, they couldn't be good.

It was Natsu's turn first.

"Natsu!" Erza addressed him. "Your mission is to use each of your unique skills to the best of your ability in order to retrieve-"

She pointed at a pink and red stuffed dragon toy.

"-that item! If you succeed, then you will be rewarded with a feast!"

"So, I get food?! I'M ALL FIRED UP!"

His whole body became alight with fire as he tightened his grip on the control. He let out a low moan as he concentrated, and got louder and louder with every passing second, until a mighty dragon roar could be heard from all corners of the arcade. Onlookers wailed as hey clapped their hands over their ears in futility; there was no escaping the ear-shattering sound. When the crane missed the toy (or 'desired item' as Erza would put it) by approximately a millimeter, things only got worse.

"WHY YOU... WHY DON'T YOU WORK YOU STUPID CRANE?! I'M NOT GONNA LET MYSELF BE BEATEN BY A DUMBASS MACHINE! I'M ALL FIRED UP!"

BOOM!

BOOM!

BOOM!

He was pounding on the glass with his flaming fists whilst he cursed all amusements in Earthland. Erza was yelling at him, screaming at him (in accordance to dating etiquette, she was screaming "HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED") and Lucy was begging him to stop, but as everyone knows, there was no stopping Natsu when he was all fired up like this. The tiniest crack appeared in the clear glass. Then another. And another. After a while, the glass looked like a beautiful yet delicate spiderweb made of crystal ice. However, like many things of beauty, it only lasted a few seconds. The glass shattered, and now instead of crystal ice, each piece resembled deadly snowflake that was raining down on dozens of innocent civilians.

Then, blackness. Blackness, with the occaisional flash of searing white. A heavy weight crashed down on each of our 4 heroes, causing them to cry out in pain. There was one scary moment where they wondered _'what's going on? Is this the end?', _before the weight lifted and their vision cleared. They opened their eyes to find probably every single person in the arcade staring accusingly at them, and their hands tied behind their backs.

To make matters worse? Gray was completely and totally butt-naked.

"So, you're the kids who have been doing nothing but stir up trouble all night in here? I'm afraid the 4 of you are going to have to come with us."

**Note: DUNDUNDUUUUUN. Backfired on them, the poor girls. Oh well. Next time, some new men will appear on the scene! :D**


	5. It's Not My Fault!

**Note: Okay, change of plan. The two new dudes will (hopefully!) appear in the next chapter. I realized I didn't have enough room in this one. Anyway, hope ya'all enjoy!**

"...Why does everything always end with us in a jail cell?" Lucy whined as she slid down the wall to the floor in despair. The cell was approximately 6ft by 8ft, and was completely devoid of all furniture bar a large metal platform held up by a chain connecting it to the wall - if the gang had to guess, they would assume it was a 'bed'. The walls looked ancient, with grey paint gently falling off in flakes to reveal more grey paint. The barred doors were locked tightly, and a sour-faced guard leered at them from the other side.

"Tch..." he smirked, raising an eyebrow, "If you hate it so much in there blondie, then you shouldn't have damaged public property in the first place, should you?"

"BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"

"Yeah, yeah..."

"Honestly," she sighed, eyebrows furrowing in annoyance. "We can never go anywhere nice, can we? Whenever we have a trip out anywhere as a fami - I mean, as a team - _someone _always ends up stripping, or destroying something, or beating people up!"

"Wait, were you just about to call us a family?" Gray asked before letting out a bark of laughter.

"What? No! Of course not!"

"Awh, you don't have to embarrassed Luce!" Natsu exclaimed, casually putting his arm around her. "Everyone in Fairy Tail is considered family!". With his other hand, he made the famous L shape, pointing up at the sky. Gray and Lucy followed suit.

"I'm sorry."

"Huh?" the three of them turned to look at Erza.

She was sat leaning her back against the wall, staring at knees that were tucked up into her chest. It was only at that moment when the team (or 'family' as Lucy would put it) realized how subdued Erza had been acting for the last few minutes. When they were first arrested and taken into the Police Magic Vehicle, she was cursing and yelling as much as everyone else, but after they were led into the cell she had, for whatever reason, fallen silent. Which was... Strange, to say the least, especially considering the Erza they knew would most likely be reprimanding (aka, 'scaring the shit out') Natsu right now.

"I'm sorry. This is my fault." she whispered, her voice dead and empty.

Lucy sighed. "I don't think this is anyone's fault, Erza. It's just... One of those things. I don't think we have any control over our destructive power anymore. We're past the point of assigning blame."

"...But if I had to blame anyone, it'd be Flame Brain over here." Gray added under his breath.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" Natsu growled. "YOU MAKE IT SOUND AS IF I WANTED TO BREAK THAT THING! BESIDES, YOU WERE THE ONE WHO TOOK YOUR CLOTHES OFF!"

"WELL IF YOU WEREN'T TRYING TO BREAK IT WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU HOPING TO ACHIEVE BY PUNCHING IT, YOU MORON?!"

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW, ICE PRINCESS?!"

The two smashed their heads together and tensed their muscles, as if they were wild animals about to engage in deadly combat. Veins began to pop out of their forehead as the onslaught of insults came quicker and harder than before.

"IDIOT!" Gray spat with venom. "ALL I WANTED TO DO TONIGHT WAS CATCH THOSE MUGGERS FROM THE JOB REQUEST, BUT THANKS TO YOU, I'M IN JAIL!"

"HEY, IT WASN'T ME WHO MADE YOU COME TO THE ARCADE!"

"WHATEVER MAN, IT'S STILL YOUR FAULT!"

"NO! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!"

"Well, actually Natsu... It is kinda your fault..." Lucy interjected awkwardly.

"WHAT? BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID - "

"Now now, we're not having any trouble with our cellmates, are we?" came a mocking female voice from the doorway. The gang turned in the direction of the voice to see _her_, leaning against the wall in all her glory. Natsu and Gray leapt up off the floor and stared, blushing slightly. This woman was astounding.

Her skin was a beautiful brown colour, and as smooth as silk. Her thick black hair hung loosely around her shoulders, framing her exotically beautiful face. She was tall, taller than both Natsu and Gray, and that, along with the Magic Council's Law Enforcement uniform she was adorned in, caused her to radiate unstoppable power.

"W-Wow..." Gray stammered, his mouth opening in awe.

"You're hot!" Natsu exclaimed, grinning from ear-to-ear (_wow, so much for his child-like innocence, _Lucy thought to herself, rolling her eyes. _And here I was thinking he was cute.)_

She strutted into the room holding a clipboard between her perfectly manicured fingers. She turned to the on duty guard and began discussing the contents of the clipboard with him, whilst Natsu and Gray ogled at her rudely.

"Y'know, she's not _that_ hot." Lucy said bluntly, folding her arms across her chest.

Erza closed her eyes and began nodding rapidly. "Yes, I find that to be quite true. She appears to be somewhat lanky and shapeless for my tastes."

"And her hair? It's kinda greasy."

"Mmhm."

"Are you guys jealous?" Gray exclaimed incredulously.

"What? No way!"

"Of course not! Why would we be?!"

"NOW!" the 'hot' Magical Law Enforcement Officer turned to them. Her face grew cold, uncaring. All the beauty that she had encompassed just seconds before vanished instantly. Her lips were tightly pursed in a sour expression, as if she had just swallowed a lemon or some other flavourful fruit. "It seems that each one of you has a record of previous criminal activity. Is this correct?"

The group murmured in assent.

"I said, 'IS THIS CORRECT?!"

"...Yes ma'am."

She then started flicking through the paper on her clipboard whilst pacing up and down the isle in front of their cells. "Mr Dragneel, you have previously been arrested on 90,437,533,394,398 accounts of property damage, and also on one account of perverting the course of justice by impersonating the infamous Miss Scarlet during a criminal trial. Mr Fullbuster, you have previously been arrested on 10 counts of property damage and 235,744,353 counts of Indecent Exposure. Miss Scarlet, you have previously been arrested on 50 counts of property damage. And Miss Heartfillia, you have previously been arrested on 5 accounts of property damage and 1 account of -" she flicked through the papers once again. "- Treason."

"WHAT?! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! I WENT THROUGH HELL DURING THE GRAND MAGIC GAMES BECAUSE OF THAT PRINCESS, AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN MAKE AN EFFORT TO CLEAR MY NAME?! I SWEAR, NEXT TIME I SEE HER I'LL KILL HE-"

Erza slapped a hand over her mouth and spat in her ear "_Stop. Threatening. To. Kill. The. Princess. In. Front. Of. The. Magic. Council. When. You. Have. Already. Been. Arrested. For. Treason!"_

"OH!" an (imaginary) lightbulb appeared over Lucy's head as her eyes widened in realization. She could really be stupid sometimes.

"So," the 'hot' officer continued. "It seems you have - somehow - all managed to avoid prison despite your frequent criminal acts. However, let this misdemeanor be your last; if the magic council _ever_ gets wind of you causing trouble again -"

She leaned closer in towards them, glaring. Natsu, Gray and Lucy gulped nervously.

_"You will be most severly punished. _However, we will let you go, providing you pay for bail, and for the damages you caused to the arcade."

That sounds like a reasonable deal, doesn't it? Only problem is...

"...We don't have any money."

The sour faced guard let out a bark of laughter.

* * *

"Oh my, it seems you two had quite the adventure last night!" Mira giggled cheerfully as she poured drinks from the bar.

"Ugh, don't even get me started Mira..." Lucy groaned. Erza merely grunted, and went back to her strawberry cake. Since they were released this morning, Erza had devoured roughly 15 of those cakes, and didn't show any sign on stopping anytime soon. She demolished each one in a matter of seconds, without even speaking a single word - in a way, it was almost as if she was comfort eating. Even after they were sent home, Erza hadn't said _anything,_ not even when Natsu and Gray were strangling eachother (and waking up an entire neighborhood in the process, obviously). When Lucy had reached her apartment - for she naturally wanted to rest after the ordeal before heading to the noisy guildhall - she was surprised to find that Erza had beaten her there. The usually strong, confident mage didn't offer up any other explanation other than "That cell... And being there with you all... It reminded me of The Tower."

But that explanation was more than enough for Lucy. So, like any friend would, she allowed Erza to stay with her for a little bit.

"I guess a stint in the cells must've been hard for you all, huh?"

"Yeah, you got that right... And on top of that..." Lucy sighed as she dropped her head onto the table.

"Go on..." Mira urged.

"Oh... Nothing."

Mira smiled, and then winked. "Oh, you don't have to tell me... I already know what it is!"

Both Erza's and Lucy's head shot up. "You do?!"

"Yep! A little blue birdie came and told me the two of you have been having some troubles in the _love _department - or should I say, a little blue cat?"

"Happy..." Lucy said darkly, scanning her eyes around the guild for him. "I don't know where you are, but you better get your little blue butt over here right now!"

"Or else..." Erza added with a glare.

He didn't appear.

"Dammit!" Lucy pounded her fist on the table. "Where is that stupid cat?!"

"I'm sure you'll find him soon." Mira reassured her halfheartedly. "But anyway, as I was saying... I set you two up with perfect dates!3"

"You did _what?_" Erza spat viciously. "You mean, you took it upon yourself to meddle into the personal lives of others? Without our permission?"

Others would have cracked from her harsh tone, and scuttled away in fear of the Titania's deadly wrath, knowing that they didn't stand a chance. However, that wasn't the case for Mira. If anyone could defy Erza Scarlet and survive, it was her. When everyone else would have hid in terror, Mira merely giggled and replied "Yep!"

...

"THANKYOU MIRA!" the red-head cheered suddenly, pulling Mira into her armour for a hug.

**Note: I'm really enjoying exploring Erza's sensitive side. :3 Anyways thanks for reading!**


	6. Bromance and Romance

**Note: Wow, I haven't updated in a while. Sorry about that. It's just... Life. I've entered year 10 now, and the teachers are being all "THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT YEAR OF YOUR LIFE SO FAR!", y'know, as they will next year, and the year after that, and the year after that, and so on. Anyways, sorry for not updating, here's the new chap. It's extra long this time :D**

Natsu's nose switched. He sat up.

"I know that smell."

He suddenly arose from his seat and began wandering around the guildhall, his nose acting as his guide. After what felt like hours of searching, he came stop right by the entrance.

"If they're not here already, they're definitely approaching." Natsu mumbled to himself. "There's no mistaking the smell of those two. It's them, alright."

"Natsu!" Lucy called from the bar area, looking somewhat confused. "You look kinda lost muttering to yourself like that; what's going on in that mixed up little head of yours?"

"Huh?" Natsu turned to face her. He was surprised to find her adorned in a long, tight-fitted black dress that was slightly sprinkled with silver glitter, causing a sharp gleam of light to shimmer every time she moved. She looked ridiculously out of place; as though she should be attending a royal ball, not drinking a coke in this filthy guildhall.

"W-well, I thought I could smell those two guys from Sabertooth, what're they called again? Henry Padovani and Outlaw, or something?"

She blinked at him.

"Y'know, those to Dragon Slayers me and that jerk Gajeel fought!"

Lucy facepalmed. "You mean... Sting and Rogue...?"

"Yeah! That's it! They're heading this way... Anyway, what's up with that weird outfit? It kinda looks like a binbag."

"Hey! It's not supposed to look_ weird, _it's supposed to look _nice_; and for your information, Mirajane set me and Erza on blind dates, and she gave me this outfit so I could 'make an impression'. Our dates should be here any minute, actually."

As if summoned by the mention of her name, Erza appeared in the doorway of the guild's toilets, dressed in similar formal attire. Her usually straight and messy scarlet hair had been partially pinned up, with the occasional strand trailing down to meet her slender shoulders. She was wearing a long sleeved white gown made of silk which trailed along the ground behind her. However, even when she was dressed like a princess, she still managed to radiate an aura of pure power.

"Are they here yet?" Erza asked as she took a seat at the bar next to her friend.

Lucy shook her head. "Nope. But Natsu says he can smell the Twin Dragon Slayers approaching. Wonder what those guys want..."

"Wait!" Erza's eyes narrowed. "You don't think..."

"Yep!" Mirajane exclaimed, popping up from the counter, nearly giving Lucy a heart-attack in the process. "You two are going on dates with Sting and Rogue!"

"WHAT?!" the pair screamed in unison.

"With Saber's..." Erza cursed.

"H-Hey, Erza?" Lucy stammered, not looking at her. As she stared down at the counter, he breathing increased rapidly, in and out, in and out, to the point where she was on the brink of passing out. "D-D-Do you mind if, um, you go with Rogue?"

Her breathing got even faster.

"Hm?! Lucy, are you alright?!"

"Y-Yeah! I'm f-fine!" she replied hastily, although the sweat forming at her brow now indicated otherwise. "It's just... E-Even though... I _know _it's not technically the same man... I keep thinking of..." She suddenly slapped her hands over her mouth and began gagging furiously.

Erza stared, speechless and horrified. Sure, she knew what had happened that day in the palace, whilst she was leading the team at the Grand Magic Games, but she had no idea of the emotional effect it actually had on her teammate. She should have known; watching your own death wasn't something you could just _get over. _It had probably haunted her for months now, and Erza hadn't even had a clue. She had failed her friend. Failed her big time. To make matters worse, she couldn't even help her now; she was useless when it comes to comforting people.

Fighting monsters? Simple. Capturing Criminals? Why, that was a daily task for the Titania. Vanquishing evil? Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Comforting people, however... Not so much. She just wished she had the magical words that would make her fear go away, but of course, those words just don't exist.

Lucy's voice was muffled as she continued to talk through her hands. "That... That evil look in his eyes... The way she - I - fell to the floor... And the blood... All the b-blood... Ugh... I'm pathetic."

Lucy was hurting, Erza realized, and had been hurting, for a really long time now, with nobody to talk to, nobody to help her. And along with that grim realization came another one, one that could make a difference.

Sometimes, you just had to be there for someone. And sometimes, being there for someone didn't necessarily mean having those magical words. You just had to be there.

"You're not pathetic." Erza said simply before forcefully grabbing Lucy by the neck and pulling her into her chest - Erza's idea of a 'hug'.

"OW!" Lucy exclaimed; despite the fact that Erza had, for once, shed her armour, her muscular arms and iron-like body still managed to inflict pain to whichever poor soul was unfortunate enough to be a victim of her affection. Whilst Erza's 'hug' didn't really achieve much in terms of 'comfort', the sentiment was still clear. She hadn't said much, but Lucy could tell that the words she _did _speak had come straight from the heart, and that was enough. After a moment, they parted.

"I will go with Rogue." Erza announced. "In fact, if you do not feel comfortable going, we don't have to. I wouldn't be at ease if I thought you didn't feel safe."

"No!" Lucy cried. "I can go! I'm not so pathetic that I have to stay here, I can go! I just... Don't think I can spend a whole night with him. Okay?"

"Yes, I understand. And stop calling yourself pathetic, please."

"I'm so sorry!" cried Mira, ashamed. "I've made a terrible mistake! I had no idea that was how you felt Lucy! You see... I told Rogue that he'd be with Lucy and now I'm so sorry I've made a terrible mistake! I thought Rogue would be more compatible with Lucy, because he's so quiet and sensitive and but anyway I've made a terrible mistake and I'm so sorry this is all my fault and - " She continued to babble endlessly (often using phrases like 'I'm so sorry' and 'I've made a terrible mistake').

"Oh, shit. _Shit._" Lucy said in a low voice.

All of a sudden, an eager glint appeared in Erza's eyes. The seriousness of the situation was forgotten when she shot up out of her seat and raised a clenched fist high in the air. "Well then," she declared dramatically, Erza-style. "I guess we have no choice!"

"Huh?!"

She snapped her fingers, causing a billowing wind of magic power to encircle her head. Tiny purple squares shimmered over her profile, covering it for a moment, before gradually dissipating to reveal an exact replica of Lucy's face.

"As of tonight, I am Lucy Heartfilia, Celestial Spirit Wizard! And you!" - she grasped Lucy by the shoulders wearing a terrifyingly enthusiastic smile. "You are now Erza Scarlet, S-Class Requip Mage of Fairy Tail!"

"...This can't be a good idea..."

* * *

Unlike the previous night, the air was warm and somewhat humid as Lucy and Erza, along with their dates Sting and Rogue, made their way to the train station. Mirajane, being the ruthless matchmaker she is, had arranged for the foursome to dine at an extremely upper-class romantic restaurant just outside of the town, meaning a rather extended length of time stuck in a tiny compartment with the two dragon slayers, with no food to help fill the silence. So, for the first time ever, our two heroines had the opportunity to learn about what was probably the most vital part of the dating etiquette: small talk.

"Lucy," Rogue spoke her name suddenly. His voice was low and husky, so much so that he almost sounded threatening. "You have a lot of spirits, don't you?"

"W-Well, I am a Celestial Spirit Wizard."

"...I see."

Silence.

_(My God, _Erza thought to herself, _His social skills are even worse than mine... I didn't even think that was possible...)_

"So," he spoke up again, giving this whole 'conversation' phenomenon another shot. "Who's your strongest spirit?"

(_Crap.)_

"W-well, there's the, um... The Snowman!"

Lucy mentally facepalmed (since joining Fairy Tail, it was something she had done quite a lot). Honestly, she and Erza had been on the same team for how long now? 2, 3 years ? You'd think that after spending so much time fighting alongside eachother, Erza would at least know the names of _some _of her spirits, and if not that, she would at least know the correct species.

"Lucy," she said through gritted teeth. "Don't you mean, _the dog?_"

"No, I'm pretty sure it's a Snowman."

Erza hated admitting she was wrong.

A small and somewhat creepy smile spread across Rogue's face. He leaned forward, and angled his head so that one of his blood-red eyes was staring Erza right in the face. His voice low and husky, he grumbled "Well, whatever it is, maybe you could show me once we get to know eachother... If you know what I mean..."

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PERVERT!" Erza punched him in the face. His head was sent flying backwards, straight into the wooden beam behind him, causing a resounding thud to echo around them. Several people stared.

"Shit..." Rogue mumbled, rubbing the back of his head "Shit... STING, YOU TOLD ME THAT WOULD WORK!"

"NO, NO, NO!" Sting snapped straight back. "I told you to _flirt, _not to freaking _sexually __harass_ in the _creepiest possible manner!_ Geez, no wonder you're still a virgin!"

3 seconds of awful, violent tension filled the compartment.

3...

2...

1...

"You promised... YOU PROMISED YOU'D NEVER TELL!"

Rogue was suddenly screaming, roaring, howling, his voice so hoarse that he barely sounded human anymore. His usually deathly white face was now flushed a deeper red than Erza's hair, whether from embarrassment or fury, no one knew. But if they had to guess, they'd choose fury, although, in reality, it was so much more than that. It was madness, madness in every sense of the world; his emotional anguish had caused him to completely lose his mind. No comforting gestures or kind words could reach him now. His sanity was too far gone.

One last scream escaped him before the shadows attacked.

The flocked towards Sting, drawn to him by Rogue's blinding hatred. They surrounded him, cornered him, trapped him, but Sting showed no fear. He merely rolled his eyes; apparently, this was a regular occurrence for the Twin Dragon Slayers.

"Oh, for crap's sake Rogue, this is the fifth time this week!"

From somewhere in the shadows, Rogue screeched. "I DON'T CARE! YOU JUST DISCLOSED MY DARKEST SECRET TO THESE TWO BIMBOS!"

("Did he just...?" Lucy began.

"Mmhm." Erza nodded. "When this date is over, we kill him and get Natsu to burn the body, agreed?"

"Agreed.")

"Now now bro, just try to calm down." Sting said in a kinda crappy attempt to, of course, calm his friend. "What about those relaxation techniques we talked about? Y'know, counting to 10, picturing yourself in a happy place, that sort of thing?"

("I must say, Sting didn't really strike me as a bromance kind of guy... Or a relaxation guru either..." Erza mused).

"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?!" Rogue howled. "YOU BETRAYED ME! YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND AND YOU BETRAYED ME!"

Suddenly, realization appeared on Sting's face, possibly caused by the word 'friend' - well, this IS a Fairy Tail fanfic, after all. What did you expect?

"Woah, just, listen to me for a sec, okay? If you carry on like this, you're never gonna get laid! Girls like the calm and composed type, the type _you _were before you started having these -" he paused, "_feelings._ If you just keep that lil temper in check, then the ladies will chase after you, just like they do with me!"

(Lucy raised her eyebrows skeptically at that comment).

Rogue's outcries stopped for a moment. A couple of the shadows melted, enabling a little bit of light to re-enter the compartment. "I-I-Is that true? Will even... _she _like it?" Rogue stammered in a voice that actually sounded quite similar to his normal one.

"Yep! Even Yukino!" Sting cried cheerfully, before realizing his mistake. He spun towards Lucy and Erza, in the desperate hope that they hadn't heard.

They had.

* * *

Needless to say, the dates had been ruined - finding out that the boy has literally no interest in you kinda puts a bummer on things, ya know? - but they'd come too far to turn back now; the train had already departed, and wasn't to come back for another 3 hours (yes, Lucy and Erza had to suffer another 3 HOURS in the company of two socially inept dragon slayers, the poor darlings) so the foursome had no choice but to follow Mira's plan through and dine at the famous Magnolia restaurant: Aphrodite's Asylum. The place was know for it's expensive furnishings, fanciful cuisine, and of course, the disgustingly romantic ambiance. Think mildly suggestive jazz music, humongous chandeliers, and lots and lots of wine.

Revolting, am I right?

Lucy and Erza certainly thought I was. As soon as they walked through the doors, they were immediately seated on complete opposite sides of the room. I shouldn't have to spell this out for you, but to those of you who aren't exactly the brightest crayons in the pencil case, I'll explain: it's bad enough being trapped on a double date with two men, both of whom you have no interest in, but you know what's even worse? Being trapped ALONE on a date with a man whom you have no interest in. Also being hit by a bus. But that isn't really relevant to the story, so let's move on.

_Crap, _Lucy thought grimly. _Now if this pervert makes a move on me, I can't get Erza to beat him up... I suppose I could just do it myself, but she just has a God-given talent for kicking men in the balls which I just don't have! _She sighed inwardly. This really wasn't how she had intended to spend her Friday night. However, just as she was about to sit on the dining chair opposite Sting, a hand came to rest on her shoulder - a hand that would be her salvation, for at least 15 minutes, anyway.

"Erza," Erza addressed Lucy with a look in her eyes that literally screamed 'play along, or you die' "Will you please accompany me to the ladies? I need to freshen up, and what with all the crime recently, I don't feel safe going alone."

Lucy agreed, mouthed a silent 'thankyou' to Erza, and hurried towards the bathroom at the back of the restaurant. As soon as the door swung shut behind them, she exclaimed:

"WHY THE HELL DID WE LET MIRA DRAG US INTO THIS?!"

Erza nodded. "I must say, that was a rather foolish move on our part. From now on, we can no longer be so easily led. We must show more caution!" she declared, looking into the distance. After approximately three seconds, she turned back towards Lucy. "But still, we have problem here, a problem that requires a perfect plan."

"...Can I make the plan this time? No offense, but your last plan got us arrested, and I don't wanna risk-"

"WE NEED TO GET INTO CHARACTER!" Erza cut her friend off. "Wait right here."

She dashed off into the nearest cubicle, and re-appeared a second later, with only one noticeable difference about her: her boobs. Her bust was filled to the brim with what was probably the equivalent of 100 rolls of toilet paper, with several pieces trailing out, and once piece stuck to the bottom of her heels. Erza slouched towards her friend, tightly clutching the small of her back.

"My word Lucy!" she exclaimed as she placed the 101st roll down her bra. "How on Earthland do you function when you have to carry this burdensome weight around everyday of your life?! From now on, I swear, I will never overlook your suffering so ignorantly again! If you ever need help to carry your bulky bust around, know that you can always count on-"

"...I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH TOILET PAPER NOW ERZA!"

"What? But they're not _nearly _big enough yet!"

"ERZA THEY'RE BIG ENOUGH JUST PUT THE TOILET PAPER DOWN BEFORE ANYONE GET'S HURT!"

"But-"

"Erza!"

"...Fine."

**Note: Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah so yeah I've finished. Hope you enjoyed! Plz tell me ya'll got the 'Henry Padovani' joke, I was SO proud of it.**


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